As I began my summer independent study, I decided to reflect on the expert feedback I had received over the last months for setting my intervention’s direction.
I could have designed some expert interviews as my interventions, but I wanted to expand on my topic and tried to connect these to the fields I was interested in: emotion, language, memory and liminality, rather than narrowing it down. With this intention, I conducted an open interview since I learned to provide a platform for wider discussion during the last group interview of Korean professionals in visual production. It is crucial to hear the participants’ original thoughts, even if it takes a long time and is difficult to get clear answers, in order to get more diverse and new perspectives.
Some purposeful people showed frustration with my pace and criticised my tendencies in various ways; however, others were encouraging and tried to understand my wandering attitude.
I take feedback in a constructive manner and am appreciative of honesty and, unfortunately, sometimes disapproval. There is no need to feel bad or despair because feedback is meant to set direction, not approval. I hated to admit it, but the experts’ points were completely accurate. I had a chance to talk with a tutor from the language development department at my institution. The tutor made valid and vast points which improved my holistic overview
Perhaps I was expecting different feedback from this interview. Because in my previous interview with an English expert who had never studied abroad but mater English by herself in Korea, I left with a strange feeling beyond her confidence. I needed another perspective on the relationship between language limitation and depression.
There was a clear message in both interviews: “Don’t complain; it’s pathetic to bring up depression due to the language barrier.” There was no understanding and no sense of sympathy, just frustration with international students who were regarded as unprepared and incompetent. Of course, It was harsh, but thankfully, this feedback was a wake-up call.
As a non-native speaker and language learner, I thought it could connect to my research theme: the relationship between language and emotion, especially unexpressed emotion. But I realised that using my situation and experiences would prevent me from remaining objective. Furthermore, my current level of English could easily make this topic come across as the excuse of a” loser” (I still can not believe that she literally used this word) who doesn’t try enough. Sadly, I have to agree with this opinion. I should have tried harder, as the experts advise. It is likely that I neglected the development of my foreign language skills due to personal and professional influences.
When people enter a new habitat voluntarily, they must be prepared before arriving and adapt as best they can. If some find this too difficult and develop emotional problems, they are often considered weak. Adaption or extinction: These are the rules of our ecosystem. We know the consequences of vulnerable individuals in society, so how do we create change for our humanity?
Surprisingly, another interview had a mutual point on a different topic. A filmmaker who has struggled for over 20 years said in the field, like most directors in Korea, “The world is changing, and we have to educate ourselves to keep up with this development. He advised me not to think we can change other people’s feelings. His voice was unusually firm, telling me – “don’t think you can change other people’s feelings, don’t even think you can be helpful” He also told me to mind my own business with the tone of the film scene.
After receiving the famous “Mind your own business” meme from Sympathy For Lady Vengeance, I thought I should do well my own thing first and then do something for others. I contemplated that my current knowledge and expertise hold the capacity to create changes by applying my imaginative ability. I made a final contact with an English expert in Korea to postpone the plan of the English Class for Remedy, hoping that there will be peace for many people who are frustrated by language limitations and end up feeling sad and sick.
However, there is a good side to this too. I will try to build up my English communication skills, and this topic will be my long-term research topic. Furthermore, If I were fluent in a second language, I wouldn’t have understood the frustration resulting from language limitations and recognised that language could hold emotion.
There were times when I was tempted to pick randomly from one of my twenty-plus topics, but I had to question myself as to whether I made the right choice. I could have given myself more autonomy. Choosing one research question and evolving may be efficient and desirable. But I decided to take the risk of making mistakes because I wanted to try doing things differently from before, and I also believe that mistakes can create much more fun things.
My initial motivation was to use this course to do something I had never done be. It was more challenging than I thought it would be to put aside my professional expertise to try something new. It took a lot of effort to draw conclusions in a different direction based on new situations and information rather than from my own experience. I had to challenge the perception that I was trying to find a different answer to a question that even I already knew the right answer.
Some people don’t recognise that spending time pondering aimlessly is a real luxury. This opportunity is not a given and should not be taken lightly. I was exposed to this concept during this project, as I often felt I didn’t have enough time to think.
Too many races so far have left me cynical, but perhaps I’m just jaded. I am an interval runner, so I’m not going to get a medal anywhere, but regardless, however challenging, I am grateful and happy to have achieved my initial purpose.
from Sympathy For Lady Vengeance