Throughout my life, I never thought of myself as an Asian woman. This may sound very strange, but I was born and raised in a mono-ethnic country. As such, I didn’t have a strong concept of race and didn’t perceive other people through the filter of race. It is also possible that my “I am what I am” attitude arose from the mentality of my generation – we refuse to be divided and defined or put in a singular box. Instead, I find it easier to simply be myself and accept myself as different from others. Indeed, through my experiences of meeting people from all over the world, I came to realise that we are all different and have our unique peculiarities in how we speak and behave. Despite my experiences of living and working abroad in the US and France, it wasn’t until I came to this school that I suddenly felt categorised as a middle-aged Asian woman. This was somewhat of a shock to me and felt like a new, uncomfortable identity that I now had to live with. In the past, I have never introduced myself in this way and I still don’t think that it matters because I’m here as a student to learn, just like any other student. Part of the student experience is also learning something new, that is not necessarily defined by my previous experiences of being a creative director at an advertising company, my film major from many years ago, my role as a wife and mother, or, indeed, my identity as an Asian woman. Although my past experiences and choices have contributed to who I am today, I am looking to learn new skills and develop other identities along this journey.
So why can’t I find a research topic?
I think there are three main reasons for this. First, my previous project dealt with the idea that self-discovery is fundamental to any relationship and that we should take a little time each day to understand and get to know ourselves first. I believe that many problems arise because we don’t know ourselves well enough or because we don’t accept the real us. If we can recognise and express ourselves correctly, many conflicts and problems can be solved. Although this is a complicated and complex topic, this is still something I am very interested in.
Second, in recent years, the digital media environment has become of outmost significance and has sparked my interest. The current digital media environment has a critical impact and will create conflicts in the long run for children, especially those who are exposed to it through digital devices before their identity is established and before they learn the basics of logical thinking through media literacy. Much like my previous research project on self-discovery, this area is of interest to me given its importance in forming the identity of children from a young age. Although I tried to think of ways to bring about a change in perceptions of digital media use among parents and childminders, the improbability of achieving this in the limited time frame of seven months kept me thinking of other project ideas.
Third, I think my 15+ years of experience in the cultural and creative industries has created a mindset that we have to sell something. If a client doesn’t pick up my pitch or if I don’t prove good sales in the marketplace, I feel like I’m stuck with the idea that it’s all worthless. However, the fundamental problems of human beings cannot be easily solved, in particular through increasing sales in the marketplace. This presents a big challenge, whereby I need to align my goal of providing a solution for a human struggle with the need of the advertising agency to sell and make profit. So how can I help people in a way that is both compassionate, effective, and sustainable?
Am I procrastinating?
Am I lacking confidence?
Overall, I feel confused and overwhelmed about finding a research topic that is both useful and concrete, as well as manageable to complete within our limited time period. Further, my language limitations exacerbate this issue, as I find it more challenging to convey my thoughts accurately, which only pushed me further into the WTF zone. However, I decided to wake up, accept my limitations, and think about what I could do.
To do this, I needed a break or a getaway. As this is not something we are afforded on a weekly basis, I started thinking about how we can get a break or a getaway in our daily life, without having to go on holiday. Especially, with so much digital input every minute, we need time to switch off and block the constant stream of input we receive. How can we have self-determination in the current media environment and love the life of pursuing our own joy? We need to change our perspective on life by pursuing joy, not unachievable happiness.